I’m having a horrible, anxious, stupid week. So I had wine last night. 🙂
I’ve been trying to lay off the wine during the week because of my eczema that’s been bugging me along my hands and wrists. No alcohol, no wheat, no sugar…and I’m drowning myself in lemon water. Flushing out those toxins…
I’m supposed to feel better, but I’m not. My anxiety was flying high due to a lot of uncontrollable stuff lately and wine is just so yummy…especially when paired with cheese…
It was delish. It’s was a Pinot Grigio, by Copper Moon’s Moonlight Harvest. It was chilled, which was perfect on these hot summer evenings we’re experiencing here this September. (What hockey season? What pumpkin spice? It’s still summer in Canada’s biggest city!)
So instead of rehashing all my stupid stuff that’s causing me so much grief, I will quote something I saw on facebook the other day:
You will continue to suffer
if you have an emotional reaction
to everything that is said to you.
True power is sitting back
and observing everything with logic;
true power is restraint.
If words control you
that means everyone else can control you;
breathe and allow things to pass.
So this is what I’m doing now. I breathe to allow things to pass. I steal my daughter’s lavender essential oil, put a drop of it in a clean washcloth, and breathe that in and out a hundred times.
I keep thinking, no one has time to dwell on all the shit you think is important. Most people are self-absorbed, over-worked, and elbow-deep in their own crap. Trying to stay afloat, make it all fit together somehow, and manage to keep the offspring safe and fed along the way, it’s all-consuming, never-ending work. Mental work. Emotionally draining work.
But it’s a catch 22, isn’t it. Taking things seriously is a lost quality. No one seems to care about details anymore. (Well, I do…but who else does?)
They tell me to relax. They shrug it off.
For the record, I’m not even talking about the family. What is giving me grief has nothing to do with the family. The family is a default and caught in the crossfire of my neurotic ways of over-analyzing everything outside of the family. I find myself reaching out into the world, beyond the relative safety of my four walls I spend most of my time in, to be a participating member of society and it comes back to bite me every time.
I should know better by now and sit in my corner office at home, next to the window and my pretty flowering plant on my desk.
At the same time, I want to show the kids that I used to be a part of the world, in a way that I no longer am.
I want to teach them: yes, it does matter. It’s better to do it the right, longer way than to do it the short, cutting corners way.
But I often stand alone with my view.
Taking things too seriously causes anxiety, panic and ulcers. At least it does for me.
I gotta let it roll off me. But how does one do this without becoming like everyone else who is just so laissez-faire? How do I maintain my own integrity in a world that doesn’t seem to value this quality anymore?
There are some purple, dried lavender flowers my mom gave me a while ago. I think I will go and sniff them now.